OFF BEAT

Quotes from Film, TV, Hollywood & the Theatre

John Wayne demonstrating facial isometrics, based on the technique of Calvin Coolidge
Harvard Lampoon


Modesty: The artifice of actors, similar to passion in a call girl. Jackie Gleason

Bloopers from Radio & TV

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the audio radiance."
"And now for a grope of foolish poke songs."
"It is a privelege to present you now to the distinguished Virgin of Governor's Island."
"The first thing the doctor has to do when a baby is born is he has to cut the biblical cord."
"- and at Fonsec'a Pharmacy you can be sure of having your prescriptions filled with scare and kill."


My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his. Phyllis Diller


My doctor told me I had low blood pressure, so he gave me my bill. That raised it. Alan King

Some epitaphs by celebrities for their own tombstones

Isaac Stern: This man left no tone un-Sterned
H. G. Wells: I told you so, dammit
Dorothy Parker: Excuse my dust
Milton Berle: This one's on me
Robert Benchley: All of this is over my head

Famous people as seen by children

Radium was discovered by Madman Curry
The most famous Italian composer was Libretto
Isaac Newman passed the law of gravity
Bach had ten children; he practised on a spinster in his attic
The biggest inventor (besides Thomas Edison) is Pat Pending
The man who fought the windmills of Spain was Don Coyote
Popular authors can win the Pullet Surprise
The Gorgons looked liked women, but more horrible
Ben and Dick Arnold were terrible traitors

Some quotes by Samuel Goldwyn:

Tell them to put more life in their dying
I don't care about that; it rolls off my back like a duck
You fail to overlook the crucial point
For your information, just answer me one question!
I'll give it to you in two words: im possible
"Mr. Goldwyn, I don't think you'd want to make that film: It's about two Lesbians!"
"So? We can change them to Americans."
You'll get along fine in this business as long as you don't bite the hand that lays the golden eggs
The wide screen will make bad films twice as bad
That movie? Terrible! Don't fail to miss it if you can!
They didn't release that movie; it escaped.
An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
I love true nature, where the hand of man never set foot.
My wife's hands are so beautiful, I'm having a bust made of them.
Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale.
What do you mean the story is too caustic? Who cares about expense?
When I travel, I always like a nice hotel suite, where I can put up with my wife.


Samuel Godwyn:
We're both in real trouble!
Louis B. Mayer: Why?
Samuel Goldwyn: Beacause you have Gable under contract, and I want him.